~TheHumanDrama

It always hails when it's over. Only a matter of time. Time is damn sticky. Everyone's telling me how it's replaceable...our loves will come and go. I will be replaced. And so will you. But you were the only one worth the effort to me. If it's not you...then I wouldn't know myself. I'd rather be alone than be anything less than who I am. Settling is harder than it looks. I only call you when I wake up crying. Dreams have no vigilance. Not anymore. Sorry to bother. I go out of my mind at night. Start to drift off...defenses fail...my imagination takes hold...raw emotions still exposed. Do you know how much more real dreams can be than what is real? I feel a gaping sense of loss when I am awake. When I sleep, I feel the horror of your betrayal. I feel the rage and the agony of familiar abandonment. I feel like I felt in that house, demons pressing in on my thoughts and my rational mind. I wake up drenched in sweat, my heart feeling squeezed, everything that was on the night stand is on the floor, and I'm sobbing without tears. have you ever loved someone so much that if they left you, it would be as though the earth flipped over and hell leaked in through the sky, heaven below you, buried and unreachable. My religion tells me it's wrong to feel such attachment. My rational mind tells me it's pointless. But my sleeping mind is not rational or religious.

The good news is...I don't wake up expecting you to be beside me anymore. You know...I trusted you once. And this is why I don't. You just can't help but show me how little I've always meant to you. If you're really happy now, then I'm happy for you. But I'll always be disappointed in you. And now...even if you came back one day...I don't know that I'd want you anymore. You see, you don't know what forgiveness is. You have no understanding of understanding. You have no insight or real depth into anything other than yourself. No amount of "love" will ever get us anywhere without those things. You are so self-absorbed, that even my niceness and apologies go right over your head. Mostly you would hang up on me as I was about to apologize or tell you that I cared in some way. I've been talking to someone who has been with the same guy since she was 12...they recently had their first grandbaby. And aparently...you and me...we did everything wrong. We have all the wrong ideas about what love is. We were in it for ourselves, without meaning to be. Let me rephrase myself: even if you came back one day...I don't know that I'd want IT anymore. I'll always want you. But that's a selfish urge I'll have to suppress.

You may not have me in your life from now on, but I'm afraid you'll always have my heart. You can keep it. No one else deserves it.

I wish I could rip september out of the calendar...and for that matter...august, july, june, and may as well. I have wasted time not being a loving wife. I had my reasons and my intentions, but it matters little now. But if I were turning back time...I'd go back further than that. I'd go to June 5th, 2005. Do you remember, Duke? Do you remember the love we left in our cemetary skin that night? I do.

From there, I would have made better decisions. November 5th would have ended differently. And my body would not reject alcohol now. December 6th would have never happened. If I had treated you better, you would have not have strayed. You would not have lied. December 26th would have never happened because we wouldn't have been fighting. I would have never went to Sacramento. April 16th was it...yeah that would have never happened either...cause I wouldn't have told you to fuck someone else...and you would have never lied to keep me...and you would have never gone to jail...July 11th would have never existed...that's one date you may not recognize but you know what it is...do you ever feel like you've made so many mistakes that nothing you could ever do would make it okay? Like you are such a terrible person that you don't deserve happiness anymore. And you might as well not really live your life cause you will only fuck it up and end up more miserable the more you try to be happy. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm not supposed to try. Maybe I'm just supposed to BE. I don't know how to do that without trying though. Cause if I try, I automatically fail.

Well that's me. I don't expect you'll ever look at this or care, but I'm sorry I ever made you feel like you had to lie to me. I'm sorry I ever made you feel like you had to ditch me. I'm sorry I ever made you feel like I wasn't worth caring about anymore. Or that I didn't love you. I guess we just have different ways of doing...well...everything. Including loving.

The most frustrating part is...I know what I want. And I do everything humanly possible to keep it from happening. Because, like any child, I must express the fullness of my emotions at all times. Well...if love was that easy, nobody would ever break up.