[x]
All Deviations
  • 22 Deviations
  • 2 Scraps [browse]
  • 150 Deviation Comments
  • 33 Deviant Comments
  • 1,218 Forum Posts
  • 2,813 Pageviews

Recent Deviations

Buh-chow
in deviantID on 5/2/07
Browse Gallery

September

Journal Entry: Fri Sep 28, 2007, 9:27 PM
  • Mood: Agony
It always hails when it's over. Only a matter of time. Time is damn sticky. Everyone's telling me how it's replaceable...our loves will come and go. I will be replaced. And so will you. But you were the only one worth the effort to me. If it's not you...then I wouldn't know myself. I'd rather be alone than be anything less than who I am. Settling is harder than it looks. I only call you when I wake up crying. Dreams have no vigilance. Not anymore. Sorry to bother. I go out of my mind at night. Start to drift off...defenses fail...my imagination takes hold...raw emotions still exposed. Do you know how much more real dreams can be than what is real? I feel a gaping sense of loss when I am awake. When I sleep, I feel the horror of your betrayal. I feel the rage and the agony of familiar abandonment. I feel like I felt in that house, demons pressing in on my thoughts and my rational mind. I wake up drenched in sweat, my heart feeling squeezed, everything that was on the night stand is on the floor, and I'm sobbing without tears. have you ever loved someone so much that if they left you, it would be as though the earth flipped over and hell leaked in through the sky, heaven below you, buried and unreachable. My religion tells me it's wrong to feel such attachment. My rational mind tells me it's pointless. But my sleeping mind is not rational or religious.

The good news is...I don't wake up expecting you to be beside me anymore. You know...I trusted you once. And this is why I don't. You just can't help but show me how little I've always meant to you. If you're really happy now, then I'm happy for you. But I'll always be disappointed in you. And now...even if you came back one day...I don't know that I'd want you anymore. You see, you don't know what forgiveness is. You have no understanding of understanding. You have no insight or real depth into anything other than yourself. No amount of "love" will ever get us anywhere without those things. You are so self-absorbed, that even my niceness and apologies go right over your head. Mostly you would hang up on me as I was about to apologize or tell you that I cared in some way. I've been talking to someone who has been with the same guy since she was 12...they recently had their first grandbaby. And aparently...you and me...we did everything wrong. We have all the wrong ideas about what love is. We were in it for ourselves, without meaning to be. Let me rephrase myself: even if you came back one day...I don't know that I'd want IT anymore. I'll always want you. But that's a selfish urge I'll have to suppress.

You may not have me in your life from now on, but I'm afraid you'll always have my heart. You can keep it. No one else deserves it.

I wish I could rip september out of the calendar...and for that matter...august, july, june, and may as well. I have wasted time not being a loving wife. I had my reasons and my intentions, but it matters little now. But if I were turning back time...I'd go back further than that. I'd go to June 5th, 2005. Do you remember, Duke? Do you remember the love we left in our cemetary skin that night? I do.

From there, I would have made better decisions. November 5th would have ended differently. And my body would not reject alcohol now. December 6th would have never happened. If I had treated you better, you would have not have strayed. You would not have lied. December 26th would have never happened because we wouldn't have been fighting. I would have never went to Sacramento. April 16th was it...yeah that would have never happened either...cause I wouldn't have told you to fuck someone else...and you would have never lied to keep me...and you would have never gone to jail...July 11th would have never existed...that's one date you may not recognize but you know what it is...do you ever feel like you've made so many mistakes that nothing you could ever do would make it okay? Like you are such a terrible person that you don't deserve happiness anymore. And you might as well not really live your life cause you will only fuck it up and end up more miserable the more you try to be happy. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm not supposed to try. Maybe I'm just supposed to BE. I don't know how to do that without trying though. Cause if I try, I automatically fail.

Well that's me. I don't expect you'll ever look at this or care, but I'm sorry I ever made you feel like you had to lie to me. I'm sorry I ever made you feel like you had to ditch me. I'm sorry I ever made you feel like I wasn't worth caring about anymore. Or that I didn't love you. I guess we just have different ways of doing...well...everything. Including loving.

The most frustrating part is...I know what I want. And I do everything humanly possible to keep it from happening. Because, like any child, I must express the fullness of my emotions at all times. Well...if love was that easy, nobody would ever break up.

Devious Information

  • MSN
    thehumandrama@hotmail.com
  • Current Age: 18
  • Current Residence: Home is a very fluid concept right now
  • Interests: Psych/parapsych/reading/writing/piano/painting/astronomy/San Francisco/knitting/sewing/sign language
  • Favourite band or musician: Taking Back Sunday, The Used, Emery, The Killers, Mum...good stuff...
  • Favourite genre of music: I can find music I like in almost any genre.
  • Favourite poet or writer: Sharon Shinn/J.K. Rowling/Charles Dickens
  • Tools of the Trade: 100% concentrated Jade

deviantART Notice

[x]

Devious Comments

~wesleyvk:iconwesleyvk: May 12, 2007, 1:25:08 AM
Yeah, another new friend! :w00t!:
~mediocrepoet:iconmediocrepoet: May 12, 2007, 12:56:41 AM
You have some cool stuff :thumbsup:

--
"Frankly, I have no taste for either poverty or honest labor, so writing is the only recourse left for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
~dmon174x:icondmon174x: Mar 27, 2007, 8:21:13 PM Mood: Euphoric
no problem

--
blah im dylan
~manny-star01:iconmanny-star01: Mar 7, 2007, 6:20:32 PM
thank u for the comments! ur poems are amazing!!
~nightmarestrashcan:iconnightmarestrashcan: Feb 16, 2007, 7:37:17 AM
your writings are realy good, definitly somone too watch
~oGuttermoutho:iconoGuttermoutho: Jan 28, 2007, 6:22:40 PM
Cool stuff you have here. Im gunna have to visit more often.

--
~Your trust is in whiskey and weed and Slayer, it's Goddamn Electric~ Pantera
~Maybe we just don't decide to age; fuck you you old people and your ways~ Swift Yellow (RiP)
RiP BELVEDERE.. Thanks for the good memories.
RiP Dimebag Darrell.
~anotherdragon:iconanotherdragon: Aug 15, 2006, 8:12:17 PM
finally got a chance to read a bit and decided it would be a mistake not to watch you back. your writing makes me wish that I was inspired...

--
So you were born, and that was a good day
Someday you'll die, and that is a shame
But somewhere in the between was a life of which we all dream
And nothing and no one will ever take that away

-streetlight manifesto
~gutterbreed:icongutterbreed: Aug 6, 2006, 11:21:43 AM
thank you for the add :)

--
Automatons gather all the pieces so the world may be increased
In simulation jubilation for the builders of the body of the beast


~burn-p0etry - true sustinance.
~anotherdragon:iconanotherdragon: Aug 5, 2006, 7:28:40 AM
Thanks so much for the watch! I'll be back to check out your gallery!

--
So you were born, and that was a good day
Someday you'll die, and that is a shame
But somewhere in the between was a life of which we all dream
And nothing and no one will ever take that away

-streetlight manifesto
~TheHumanDrama:iconTheHumanDrama: Jun 9, 2006, 2:26:31 PM
The world may never know....

--
I know I can if I would, that's why I do.
*auperidot:iconauperidot: Jun 9, 2006, 2:24:45 PM
Is that Alicia keye's eye?

--
"Disconcertingly, the attitude of a speaker tells us nothing about the value of his knowledge. We all like enthusiasm better than intimidation, but the world is full of stupid lovers and smart bullies." - Rick Brookhiser
~TheHumanDrama:iconTheHumanDrama: Jun 7, 2006, 9:52:39 PM
:lmao:

--
I know I can if I would, that's why I do.
~Haq-eye:iconHaq-eye: May 23, 2006, 7:49:12 PM
hey, i like the drop put forum topic.

I've been telling people this shit for years

--
Mi Vida es Corta, Pero No me importa!
No Entiendo Lo Qué Es!
:pooptoast:
Bassist of Orginized CHAOS
~radicus-wolf Made me do it!
~tdkim:icontdkim: May 23, 2006, 5:23:01 PM
Hey, saw you in the forums, meandered to your gallery, kind of like what happens when you fall down a flight of stairs and the first thing you see gives you a funny feeling in your bottom. I'm very much liking your use of imagery, bold, suggestive, but in not in the way I'm used to. Youthful, yet not, yet not old-souled either. You'd probably be very interesting to study.

--
Eat bubbling Rhino poo and swim in the sea of flames!
~TheHumanDrama:iconTheHumanDrama: May 19, 2006, 6:21:18 PM
I love how people keep posting nonexistent emoticons in my comment thingy. <3

--
I know I can if I would, that's why I do.
~Muggle-man:iconMuggle-man: May 16, 2006, 10:16:46 AM
your poetry is amazing :feint: and it's very deep and alluring... :O :D keep up the good work :D :boogie:

--
" I'm a bad person once you get to know me..."

"JOIN THE PAST!!! (People Against Space Travel) We already destroyed this planet, we shouldn't be allowed to destroy others!!!" -I'm serious
~SuicideProject89:iconSuicideProject89: May 9, 2006, 10:43:25 AM
I'd marry you too. :kiss:

--
"I did not arrive at my understanding of the fundamental laws of the universe through my rational mind." Albert Einstein
~SuicideProject89:iconSuicideProject89: May 4, 2006, 8:57:33 PM
Your page is fucking up on me. Curses where did all the poetry go?!?!!?!

--
"I did not arrive at my understanding of the fundamental laws of the universe through my rational mind." Albert Einstein
!toptecky:icontoptecky: May 4, 2006, 11:20:34 AM
Hi, thankyou for the watch. :)

--
Thus does the ‘Necessary Angel’ of the poetic
arrive to save the ‘Angel of History’
from dying of melancholy
in a suffocating world of ruins.
~duchmoll:iconduchmoll: Apr 25, 2006, 12:36:15 PM
Hey!
Your poem °Ruin° is realy great!

Alex :+bye:

--
Break the silence, WAKE THE DEAD
Running through these streets alone
I'll kick and scream, let's break this hold!
-Comeback kid
~ladiefox:iconladiefox: Apr 11, 2006, 5:05:27 PM
damn ... :+watch: isn't a little icon. oh well! :)
~ladiefox:iconladiefox: Apr 11, 2006, 5:05:08 PM
thanks for the :+fav: & :+watch:
~spreadacrosstheland:iconspreadacrosstheland: Apr 7, 2006, 5:03:16 AM
thank you

--
we called it us
=Nix0xiN:iconNix0xiN: Mar 21, 2006, 12:59:38 PM
finally!

too many people ahve replied to that thread who barely do any poetry or whatever. Its good to see that you do :)
*watch*